it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
