i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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