Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
