so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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