I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
