Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
