he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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