I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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