Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
