It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Randomize
