Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
