he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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