3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
