Only a mothe r could love this liver
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
