so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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