I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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