He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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