apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
They have beer where we have blood.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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