Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
