I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why are your pants in the freezer?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
