i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
