His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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