Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
