I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
