It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
