I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
