i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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