My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
