Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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