I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
