I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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