she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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