Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
