The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
