So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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