I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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