I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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