btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
