I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
