I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
