I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
