so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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