i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
