Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I will pee on everything he values.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
