my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
