She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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