ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
