Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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