Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
