So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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