The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
