the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
