wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
